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Q: A man and woman in Florida have named their newborn twin boys Brett and Favre. Why would they do such a thing?
A: You’d have to ask those parents, Curly and Lambeau.
Q: Were you surprised that Brett Favre was so weepy and emotional when he announced his retirement?
A: His retirement? I thought he was announcing his kidnapping.
Q: Isn’t it unusual to see someone in sports so obviously distraught?
A: Yeah, but just wait ‘til you see fans of the San Francisco 49ers’ -who drafted Alex Smith ahead of Aaron Rogers - if Rogers turns out to be a great quarterback.";
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Q: Barry Zito of the Giants is trying out a new windup this spring, and he’s getting absolutely rocked by opposing batters. I’m sure you’ve had time to study Zito’s new windup. What is he doing wrong?
A: It’s Barry’s release point. He needs to release the ball 10 feet closer to home plate.
Q: Speaking of the Giants, their team slogan for ’08 is, “All out, all season.” Is that the kind of slogan that can inspire fans?
A: It’s a bit misleading. Thanks to advances in sports medicine, I believe that some of the players will be out only half the season.
Q: With Barry Bonds gone, do the Giants really have a new outlook and enthusiasm?
A: Yes, but some traditions remain. This spring, for the 15th straight year, Bonds missed the Giants’ team-photo shoot.
Q: Omar Vizquel had a knee operation, and he says he won’t rush back, but will “listen to my knee.” Isn’t that good medical advice for everyone?
A: The worst. Never listen to your knee. That’s why I wear earplugs when I jog.
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Q: The Florida Marlins will field a new cheerleading group of portly men, called the Manatees. Good idea?
A: Worst promotional idea since Bud Selig bobblehead night. It’s an insult to manatees. The group should be named the Jellyfish. Although I have to be careful here, I don’t want to offend the group’s sponsor, Hooters. Hey, if I want to see fat people dance, I’ll wait for the Republican Convention. On the practical side, though, with these Manatees dancing, the grounds crew won’t have to water down the field in the fifth inning.
Q: I heard a rumor that JaMarcus Russell, who is expected to take over as the Raiders’ starting quarterback this season, has ballooned to 300 pounds. Is this true?
A: I’ve heard that rumor. I also hear that Russell is being scouted by the Manatees. I do know that if Russell weighs 300 pounds, he won’t fit into the Raiders’ mini camp.";
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Q: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now simply the Rays. Their owner Stuart Sternberg explained that the team wants its name to symbolize “a beacon that radiates.” What does this mean?
A: No more luke-warm hot dogs.
Q: Other teams have dropped parts of their names in the past. For example, the Dodgers were originally the Trolley Dodgers. Are there other such teams?
A: Before the epidemic of concussions in football, the NFC team in New York was named the Mental Giants. And of course there were the Buffalo Overdue Bills and the San Antonio Bone Spurs.";
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Q: Eddie Sutton came out of retirement to coach the University of San Francisco this season. The team was lousy, but they were good enough to win a few games and get Eddie to the 800-win career milestone. Will he coach at USF next season?
A: No, Eddie’s going to coach the Washington Generals. He’s hoping to notch his 800th loss.
Q: Olympic marathon gold-medal favorite Haile Gebrselassie says he plans to skip the marathon this summer in Beijing, because he feels the city’s heavy air pollution could cause permanent lung damage. As a journalist going to the Olympics, are you worried about the air?
A: Nah. I figure most of the air pollution will be sucked out of the air by the athletes doing all that running and jumping.
Q: What happened to that golfer, Tripp Isenhower, who killed an eagle by firing golf balls at it because the eagle was disrupting the taping of Isenhower’s golf show?
A: The legal stuff is still up in the air, so to speak. But Isenhower’s golf career continues. I hear he’ll even host his own tournament, at which Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal will release the ceremonial first eagles.
Q: If Roger Clemens gets sentenced to prison, I’m afraid that with his confrontational personality, he’ll get tossed into solitary confinement. Does that worry you?
A: Could be a positive. If that happened, Clemens would be the prison’s ace in the hole.";
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