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YIR_worstfilms.appFooter = "Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of \"Exile in Guyville.\" Find more of him at www.imdavewhite.com";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "The worst movies of the year that you should totally see anywayI’m not talking about \"Snakes On A Plane\" because that movie was rad. And I’m not talking about \"Employee of the Month\" or \"Material Girls\" or \"Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj.\" Those movies are not to be seen by anyone. They will burn your eyes like if someone threw acid into your face. They are movies that hate you and want to make you die slowly, minute by minute as they unspool, charring your soul and blackening your innate goodness. The people who made them should be punished in a public way.
I’m talking about the movies that came out this year that you kind of need to see to believe. They were ruined by all sorts of things, but all of them are completely fascinating in their badness and deserve to be illegally pirated or downloaded for your viewing pleasure.";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
I resisted ordering these movies by degrees of badness, by the alphabet, by chronology, by anything. But this one demanded first-ness. It came out in January and barely anyone saw it, yet it set the bar of insanity so high that I spent the rest of the year hoping I’d see other films leap with the big ups like this one did so effortlessly. I didn’t. \"Bloodrayne’s\" barely comprehensible plot, based on a videogame, involves a Mysterious Eyeball of Total World-Controlling Dominion that lez-leaning vampire Rayne (Kristanna Loken) has absorbed directly into her head. Ben Kingsley wants it and will try to destroy her to get it. Then Meat Loaf shows up at the center of a blood orgy, Michael Madsen gets his hair-metal game on with a rock-god mullet wig, fake swords are brandished and Michelle Rodriguez walks off into the sunset with Loken. That last part happened in real life. Best of all, it’s from my favorite auteur of crap, Uwe Boll, who was so incensed by the negative reviews this and all of his other movies have received that he challenged every movie critic in the world to box him, one by one. That’s awesome! I’m not a small man and I could most likely take him, but I would never want to hit someone I admire this much. ";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
I have a soft spot for fake sentiment. I can’t get enough of listening to Hollywood phoneys who are so rich they wipe their own butts with Benjamins lecturing me about what really matters in this thing we call life. And when a dope like Adam Sandler presumes to do it that’s like getting an extra shot of buttercream frosting on my lemon-ginger order from Sprinkles, the gourmet cupcake boutique to the stars in Beverly Hills. And I’m not making that up either. It’s right there on the menu — “Frosting Shot” — and you can add it to your order. Anyway, this movie is about what happens when Adam Sandler gets to shut his wife and kids up with a remote control. In fact, he also gets to shut up the whole world and fast-forward through things like showers and sex. Now, correct me if I’m wrong here, fellow men, but isn’t sex the thing we can all agree on that we really, really like? Hot showers aren’t bad either. But I kind of get the pleasure of getting to mute people who are bugging me. All of that to say that he wastes his entire emasculated life by speeding through it with his universal phallic symbol. At the end, lying in a puddle, dying, in the rain — yes this is a spoiler, you think I care? — he says, “Family... comes... first!” HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW. The sentence you just read was what I did in the press screening and a very upset woman turned around to scold me for laughing. Oops, sorry, My Lady Dumb, didn’t mean to ruin the lame movie for you. I thought you already knew that family comes first.";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
The cool thing about egotism in Hollywood is that it’s a quality that’s more bloaty, more delusional and more fragile than in the general population. So movies like this get made, remakes of perfectly good films with cult followings, remakes done up “fresh” by a director who thinks he’s got some important, revelatory twist on the original, something everyone needs to understand about the director’s unique vision of cinema. Then that director (Neil LaBute, wassup?) casts Nicolas Cage and puts him in a bear costume. I like to think that, in a perverse, almost brilliant way, this was LaBute’s cold kick in the face to fans of the 1974 version, a mean-spirited and intentionally wit-free mockery of geekish horror fans. It’s not, but it’s fun to think about.";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
If I were God — and I’m not, only George Burns and sometimes Alanis Morrisette is — I would smite Ron Howard for his film being most dullard-ish. But if you get the DVD you can go straight to the best bits and avoid the other two solid hours of snoozery. They are:
Anyway, the baby ex-con eventually comes to learn that family... comes... first. He does this without a remote control to teach him, by the way, but what he does have is the filmmaker’s commitment to innovation and to keeping focus on what’s really important (that would be all the crotch-kicking and other lower-hemisphere-related humor like the moment when Marlon’s Face-On-Other-Body rubs cookies on his genitalia and butt and then feeds them to an old man), a commitment that Film Comment would call “rigorous.”";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
A band of hunky teen male Hollister models discover they have secret supernatural powers. They brood about it. Then they pout. Shirts come off. Some glowering goes down. They’re alive with warlock sexiness and excellent lighting. There are also hot chicks in this movie, but they seem sort of irrelevant to the proceedings. Now, I asked around, and wondered if my status as A Gay led me to think that this movie was about half a heavy-eye-lidded glance from turning into an adolescent \"Brokeback Mountain.\" But some straight people I know who saw it said that I was right and not just being a pervert who sees potential soft-core gay porn in everything. That was a relief. ";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
The guy who made this movie, Bart Freundlich, is extremely lucky that he’s Julianne Moore’s babydaddy, because if he weren’t, I can’t imagine any of his dumbhead films getting made. What’s incredible about this urban-jerkwad comedy is how anyone could watch it and come away thinking that male-female relationships are anything less than utterly toxic and doomed. Wacky frigidity, kitchen-splattering vomit moments, icky porn-watching/self-pleasuring scenes, multiple poop gags including one where Billy Crudup actually describes the contents of his most recent bowel movement to his restaurant dining companions — these are the fun parts of love that balance out the resentment and infidelity. If you’re single and you have no New Year’s Eve plans, check this movie out and you’ll feel amazing afterwards, knowing that your life is exactly the way it should be, flying solo and loving it.";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
Director Irwin Winkler makes Ron Howard look like Robert Bresson. That was a little movie geek joke, by the way. Anyway, Irwin Winkler is responsible for this one. And I guarantee you he thinks it’s on par with \"The Best Years of Our Lives,\" the classic post-WWII drama about veterans trying to adjust to civilian life after toppling Hitler. In \"Brave,\" Jessica Biel walks around with a prosthetic hand which she engages in meaningful staring contests, rueing the day she took that left turn in Iraq. Sam Jackson, also rueing his re-enlistment, develops a drinking problem and says mean things to his wife. 50 Cent goes around yelling at everyone. He has good reasons. Not only is he stuck in this stupid movie but his character is also the only one that seems to be engaged in something resembling the real-life frustration that lots of returning vets feel — toward the military.
Best scenes: Aside from the ubiquitous flashbacks to bombings every time someone is unhappy — because you have to be reminded that they were TOTALLY IN A WAR AND IT MESSED THEM UP — there’s the great moment when Biel and another vet sit in a movie theater lobby, talking about how all the movies suck because they can’t compare to the intensity of their own true-life war experience and, like, OMG, can you even believe that sometimes they want to just go back into service because it feels more normal than normal life? My other favorite comes when Biel breaks up with her boyfriend and he says, and I’m not making this up at all, “I guess you only need one good hand to push someone away.” In my movie-going fantasies, this one gets remade next year by the Wayans and it’s called “Blowin’ Up!” and Jessica Biel actually takes her rubber hand and smacks that boyfriend right in the junk.";
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YIR_worstfilms[i-1].body = "
You know how embarrassing it is when your aunt the alcoholic gets naughtier and naughtier at your sister’s wedding reception — one she was almost not invited to in the first place — and she keeps hiking up her already too-short skirt and then pulling down her blouse to show off “the girls?” She does this to let the men know she’s still “got it” and it works way more than you’d think, but that’s because men will hump any drunk woman. It’s like the sound only dogs can hear and they all run straight for it. If you were a smarter member of the wedding party you’d be catching it all on videotape and using it when you ambush her with A&E’s \"Intervention\" cameras rolling. ";
// END editorial data